“A flower doesn’t consider competing with the flower subsequent to it. It simply blooms.” – Zen Shin
Previously, I typically felt like I didn’t belong in teams of girls.
Typically I felt like something was wrong with me, like I used to be othered in a technique or one other: too sporty, too quiet, too severe, too emotional, too dumb, too good, too wild, too regular, too sexual, too prude.
Different instances, I felt like one thing was improper with all of them. Women’ nights and bachelorette events? The screeching voices, the loud laughs, the mundane conversations about make-up, skincare routines, and lip injections? No thanks.
I needed so badly to belong however didn’t see a spot for myself. I felt like I wasn’t doing the entire lady factor the correct approach. I discovered it simpler to hold with the fellows.
However now? I’ve realized that nothing is improper with me (otherwise you), and hanging out with a gaggle of girls makes me really feel all heat and fuzzy inside. 🙂
What shifted?
First, I finished evaluating myself to others.
These “toos” I discussed above, and that so many people really feel, are normally a product of that ever so insidious entice of comparability. It’s a entice as a result of we get caught in a destructive thought loop, smothered by jealousy, anxiousness, and self-criticism, which finally causes a fissure of separation, between ourselves and others.
If we use different folks and exterior requirements as a barometer, we’ll all the time discover ourselves being “too” one thing, which makes for a really disruptive and tumultuous inside expertise. For me, it implies that I’ve spent a few years feeling insecure and ungrounded in who I’m. It means I typically acted as a chameleon and adjusted my power based mostly on who I used to be round, so I might “slot in.”
However now, I don’t try this. (Okay, I nonetheless do it generally, however approach much less typically.) I’ve realized that there isn’t a “proper” approach to be a lady, or a human. We’re every distinctive people with our personal personalities, wishes, fears, and preferences, and the individuality of all of us makes the world a lot extra attention-grabbing and delightful.
Second, I shifted away from judgment and towards curiosity.
Throughout my younger grownup years, I used to be very judgmental. I went from pondering that one thing was improper with me to pondering that I used to be higher than all the opposite ladies. I assumed ladies talked an excessive amount of about floor stage issues and other people. My ego began to create tales of separateness: me over right here eager to ponder existential questions and discuss feelings, and them over there who needed to gossip, giggle too loudly, and discuss make-up and boys.
Now, as a substitute of judging the “floor stage” conversations (which nonetheless happen), I’m interested by them.
Why do ladies spend a lot time discussing our weight, clothes, waxing habits, and skincare rituals? As a result of we’ve got been force-fed the idea that we’re insufficient the best way we’re. We’re advised that we’ve got to purchase this or that product if we need to be lovely. We’re advised we’ve got to be skinny if we need to be liked. So it’s no surprise we spend a lot time pondering and speaking about issues of bodily look.
By switching from judgment to curiosity, I’ve realized that such discussions are literally not floor stage in any respect. They’re reflective of deep wishes to belong, to be liked, and to be accepted.
Third, I demoted my ego.
My ego advised me that I used to be the one lady that felt othered. That I used to be distinctive in my feeling like I didn’t belong. That I used to be particular indirectly as a result of I needed to have “deeper” conversations. That’s such BS!
I’ve now realized that I used to be under no circumstances distinctive in feeling like I didn’t belong. Most girls, and other people, yearn to peel again the layers and join with each other in a deep, wealthy approach, however we discover ourselves caught in a performative position, making an attempt to point out up how society has advised us to.
Many people have erected partitions round our hearts, minds, and our bodies to guard the susceptible, uncooked, delicate components of us. To guard the components of us that we realized weren’t protected to specific or had been unlikeable. However we need to let others in.
Lastly, I additionally began listening to the sage recommendation from philosophers, non secular leaders, and laypeople throughout centuries.
I began heeding their knowledge, which will be summed up as: you’ve gotten the whole lot you want inside you.
I began to deepen my connection to myself, understanding that the issue I used to be experiencing, specifically the sensation of being othered and never belonging, might solely be solved by first turning inward. I’ve deepened my connection to myself by dance, breathwork, journaling, meditating, and enjoying. I’ve began to uncover who I’m and who I need to be, versus making an attempt to suit right into a mould of what I feel a lady, or a human, is meant to be.
In my journey of releasing comparability, igniting curiosity, demoting my ego, and turning inward, I’ve additionally realized that:
You aren’t too something.
This doesn’t imply that you’re excellent, or that you don’t have any alternatives to develop and broaden. Nevertheless it does imply that there isn’t a “proper” approach to be, besides the best way that’s true and protected for you.
Usually when folks say you might be “too ___,” it’s a reflection of their very own insecurities.
“You might be too emotional” would possibly imply, “I’ve not realized to specific my feelings, and your vulnerability makes me uncomfortable.” “You might be too loud” would possibly imply, “I’m not absolutely expressing myself, and I’m jealous of your potential to specific your self confidently.”
You aren’t alone in your need to belong.
It’s probably that what you’re feeling, others have felt in some unspecified time in the future. While you keep in mind this, you might be reminded that you’re not alone. The journey of self-discovery ultimately results in a sense of oneness, as a result of we absolve the phantasm of self and separateness and start to see our connectedness, our shared fears and wishes. You understand how it goes, we’re all made from stardust, child!
While you begin to specific the truest components of your self, it’s an act of management.
As a result of in doing so, you present a permission slip for others to do the identical. This doesn’t imply you count on everybody to specific themselves in the identical approach as you, however reasonably that all of us begin to specific the bizarre, distinctive, quirky, true components of ourselves. And that’s what the world wants extra of.
So, right here’s to much less judgment, extra curiosity; much less separateness, extra connectedness; much less concern, extra love.
About Teresa Towey
Teresa Towey is a coach and mentor for ladies. Teresa curates particular person and group areas to information you in breaking free from societal expectations about what you “ought to” do, so that you begin doing what you need, and are free to specific probably the most wild and artistic components of you. Take a look at her website and comply with her on Instagram. Use this link to schedule a free seek the advice of name!
